Dear Inexperienced Security Staffers Assigned to Various Venues When Bands of the Punk/Hardcore Persuasion Are Headlining,
I hope this letter finds you well, and that it does not long distract you from lifting heavy things before your beaming reflection. I would like to suggest a couple points of basic etiquette that are expected from you at a show. Though a security expert I may not be, I am oft an impassioned punter who has too often been taken by your shitty behaviour at shows to the point of distraction.
Firstly, please know your product. Surely it wouldn’t hurt to find out what kind of music you’ll be subjected to and what kind of band you will be ‘securing’. It would certainly save you that dumbfounded look of disgust as you push your lil earplugs further into their waxy cavern. Research may also provide you with information on what kind of crowd will arrive at this show. Just like the two step shuffle you awkwardly employ at your pill popping parties, punters at these shows have methods of expressing themselves to music. Sure it looks awkward and most of the time downright masochistic but this is the norm, so don’t lose your mind when things start to get heavy.
Secondly, know the line! So some drunken git claws his way onstage, jigs awkwardly and reveals his burgeoning man boobs to the crowd. This guy does not deserve an instantaneous beatdown. One would suggest that he’d much prefer a half-arsed leap into the crowd than being lunged upon, headlocked ‘neath your musty pits and ejected from the venue, so maybe just let him know that his 5 minutes of bogan fame are up and he should depart shortly.
Pretty basic stuff really. Hope you understand. Love and Kisses, Me
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