April 23, 2008

After recently attending several drawn out weeknight shows wherein one eye is placed upon the band on stage and the other firmly on my watch, I've taken particular interest in live practices that I deem unnecessary. While this clearly indicates I’m ageing at an accelerated rate, and taking firmly into account that my opinion counts for jack shit, I nevertheless wish to henceforth abolish the unnecessary custom of encores. Once upon a time this bonus round was only granted to an entertainer if their performance was particularly brilliant. However having seen my fair share of bands who's performances didn’t really warrant an encore but whom returned to the stage after the obligatory 3 minute hiatus regardless, I've decided that we must return to old practices. An encore should be completely unexpected for the band. They should return to their dressing room, exhausted from having delivered every skerrick of themselves unto their audience and be winding down and rehydrating/smashing a beer/ snorting carefully manicured lines of coke off a groupie’s D cup and have their descent into post-gig relaxation rudely interrupted by an outrageous crowd chanting, screaming, rattling the very foundations of the venue for more, sending an oversized and wildly flustered security rep rushing into the dressing room demanding the band return to stage before the barriers collapse.