February 13, 2008

As Valentines Day approaches and we scour the JB HiFi discount bins, searching for a killer album to carefully peel the ‘BUY ME NOW IM CHEAP’ sticker off and present to our beloveds as a token of our affections, it’s important to reflect upon the effect music has upon our love lives- in particular, the important rules to consider when combining the two volatile time-suckers. Such as…

1) Couples like doing shit together. Walks on the beach, romantic dinners, alcohol fuelled dummy spits. However both parties must be equally enthused about the attending of a live show so as to protect against woeful, relationship destroying behaviour. A girlfriend dragged a half-hearted boy to a local show a while back, resulting in him sulking by the sound booth for the duration of the set, occasionally texting her updates on his degrees of boredom. She left him the next day.

2) Should you feel the urge to coax your lover into sharing your musical tastes using the persuasive powers of mix tapes, do so with severe caution. A mate of mine did this all too well and continues to suffer the consequences of his actions. Following the relationship’s untimely demise, an awkward room scan is now a prerequisite to entering any venue, in order to avoid painful small talk.

3) Unless you're a ragingly hormonal teenager who's guzzled one too many Ruski's at your mates bonfire party, dry humping is not on. Ever. To the enamoured young couple in front of me during Rage's Big Day Out set, your mother would be ashamed, and I was downright nauseas. I'd think Rage Against The Machine is a rather dangerous soundtrack to furious gyrating, what with the breakdowns, the screaming, Morello's wikky wakkys and all. I wouldn't be surprised if the toungy young lass came away from her Big Day Out sunburnt, hungover and hymenally challenged.