This guy I know is starting his own business. He’s in the profession of life coaching, just like that creepy Anthony Robins dude who’s deep monotones on early morning infomercials can muster any drunkard from a 4am slumber.
He has these seven steps that he’s devised for a healthy life that read like: “POSSBILITIES: Believe in yourself and the possibilities are endless.”
Clearly these conceited commandments are more amusing than inspiring, much like the alleged ‘career’ of ‘life coaching’ itself. I thought of some handy real-life tips that I would force violently upon you all if I had the terrifying drive these people possess.
VANITY: We all know a pencil skirt and bright red peep toe pumps are, like, the hottest things ever, but ensure said ensemble is comfortable before violently abusing drink specials at BANG and busting moves to HelloGoodbye’s Here In Your Arms at 3am, or mysterious blisters will arise under the blurry shield of inebriation and fill the cavities of even the roomiest slip ons for weeks to come. Yes, gross.
ASSUMPTION: Naively predicting super awesome bands won’t sell out their shows, thus thinking you needn’t pre-purchase tickets results in unnecessary pre-gig anxiety and sometimes said show selling out ‘cos you were a presumptuous chump. Yeah, have fun scouting surrounding pubs for something as entertaining as super awesome band’s show, fucko.
SUPPORT: Don’t be one of those dudes who deliberately stands a distinct 10 meters from front of stage during a support band’s set. Unless they smell like old cheese, or their bassist is over pronouncing his Ss and Ps and showering you with tobaccoey saliva and then I guess its OK.
Go forth and prosper.
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